I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
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Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go