Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
You Might Also Like
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
me and my fake scenarios
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.