When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
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Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!