After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
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Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.