HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
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“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]