This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
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ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.