My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
You Might Also Like
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein