As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
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being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
when mom throws a party…
Cucumbers Anonymous