I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
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Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Encore…