stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
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Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Good morning y’all ☀️
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions