“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
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For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
[montage of me giving-up]
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are