My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
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science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
My purse is deeper than some people.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.