me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
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I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
God has abandoned us.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*