George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
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[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
You know…for fall…
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
They’re not wrong
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
I’m going to need a moment here.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?