We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
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“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?