[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
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shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Nigella has gone too far this time.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
seems like a niche market
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident