just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
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Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
💻🤡
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.