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[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Start the year as you intend to continue.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.