The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
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[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
😂💯
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.