Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
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4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
buying dead houseplants to save time
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny