It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
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Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
I’m sure it’s fine.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
and this one
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.