If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
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Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.