me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
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My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Skills
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity