Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
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wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Art by Pastelkatto
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently