*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
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[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
*seductively eats two tums*
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself