a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
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Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Potatoes were such a good idea
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?