[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
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Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
The news is so predictable nowadays
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you