”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
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Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
I only eat vegetarians.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?