Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
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yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.