Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
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Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Beards are a privilege, not a right
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Me, in DM rooms…
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
What about second breakfast?
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?