-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
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Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
my name if I was in the mob
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars