Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sound of can opening]

wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?

me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday

wife: but we’re still at church

REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-

ME: My dog doesn’t like it.

REALTOR: But I-

ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU

This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”

you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames

Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end

I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.

Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?

Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.

Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.

ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*

MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?

ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships

i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real

Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are

boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem

me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point

Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.

5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!

My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead

This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him

Bodyguard Idea:

Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.

I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.

Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower

Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.

Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.

Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?

Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries

Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments

Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.

Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.

Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.

[5 seconds later]

Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!

Nobody:

Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this

my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth

Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.

We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.

Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”

The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.

#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill

“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.

Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.

Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.