Life hack
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I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Looking at you, Jesus.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.