Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
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– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
seems fine
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?