Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
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Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.