Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
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When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Tell me you get it…🤣
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”