boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
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Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.