You Might Also Like
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?