When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
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when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You鈥檙e tired. Why don鈥檛 we try making the birds tomorrow.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Mike Tyson鈥檚 apartment building
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
KATY PERRY: 馃幎 baby you鈥檙e a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY鈥橲 DOG: I hate this song
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
me logging onto twitter
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
The kids are upset we鈥檙e having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we鈥檙e having chicken and peas for dinner.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking