Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
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Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur