Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
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If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with