imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
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The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.