i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
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I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying