Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
You Might Also Like
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?