Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
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[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*