Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
You Might Also Like
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Why is everyone getting married at me