You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
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It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Why am I like this?
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?