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Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.