14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
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Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
But is it really??
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
listen closely
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”