My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
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Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Worth a try
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Pat is about to own someone
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?